Funny Life Quotes - Page 2

• After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

  William S. Burroughs

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  William S. Burroughs (1993). “The Adding Machine: Selected Essays”, p.125, Arcade Publishing

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• Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

  150 Copy quote
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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

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• Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it.

  John Updike

  Life, Yummy, Long

  171 Copy quote

• I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

  Bill Watterson

  Expectations, Life Is, Easier

  9 Copy quote

• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Funny, Life

  255 Copy quote

• Reality: What a concept!

  Robin Williams

  Funny, Life, Memorable

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  The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Meaningful

  Quoted in People, 26 Dec. 1977. Although now associated with Tomlin, this saying appears anonymously in Robert Reisner, Graffiti (1971), in the form "Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat." Rosalie Maggio, in New Beacon Book of Quotations by Women, states that William Sloane Coffin said "Even if you win the rat-race, you're still a rat" as a chaplain at Williams College or Yale University in the 1950s or 1960s.

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• Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Hilarious, Parenting

  The Illiterate Digest "Warning to Jokers: Lay Off the Prince" (1924)

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• The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

  Bill Watterson

  Funny, Humorous, Future

  20 Copy quote

• Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

  Darynda Jones

  Paper, Paperwork, Ifs

  Darynda Jones (2015). “The Charley Davidson Series”, p.707, St. Martin's Press

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• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

  Helen Hayes

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes".

  29 Copy quote

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• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

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• Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

  Sam Ewing

  Funny, Frustration, Talking

  44 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, make apple juice and make people wonder how the hell you did it.

  Gurbaksh Chahal

  Apples, People, Giving

  169 Copy quote

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  1039 Copy quote

• Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

  Bill Watterson

  Change, Different, Calvin And Hobbes Friendship

  49 Copy quote

• If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

  Jim Steinman

  Mirrors, Views, Car

  29 Copy quote

• Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

  R. D. Laing

  Funny, Life, Sexually Transmitted Diseases

  64 Copy quote

• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Elbert Hubbard (1917). “In the Spotlight: Personal Experiences of Elbert Hubbard on the American Stage”

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• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  A. A. Milne

  Funny, Inspiring, Witty

  "Fictional character: Winnie The Pooh". "Christopher Robin", www.imdb.com. 2018.

  855 Copy quote

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• Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  Ellen DeGeneres (2011). “Seriously ... I'm Kidding”, p.9, HarperCollins Australia

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• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

  Zig Ziglar

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  FaceBook post by Zig Ziglar from Sep 22, 2016

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• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

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• In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

  Kathleen Norris

  Funny, Life, Witty

  24 Copy quote