Steven Wright Quotes

Quotes about:

• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  210 Copy quote

• Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Five

  15 Copy quote

• always remember your unique, just like everone else

  Steven Wright

  Unique, Remember

  78 Copy quote

• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Ocean, Humor

  136 Copy quote

• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Men

  218 Copy quote

• The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

  Steven Wright

  Stars, Lying, Night

  218 Copy quote

• Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  Steven Wright

  Funny Motivational, Teaching, Math

  40 Copy quote

• When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Teacher, School

  149 Copy quote

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  25 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  714 Copy quote

• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

  Steven Wright

  Inferiority, Very Good, Inferiority Complex

  120 Copy quote

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  170 Copy quote

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cowboy

  61 Copy quote

• Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

  Steven Wright

  69 Copy quote

• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

  Steven Wright

  Hands, Watches, Thirds

  23 Copy quote

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Stars, Believe

  119 Copy quote

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Taste

  152 Copy quote

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  26 Copy quote

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Vegetables

  75 Copy quote

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  32 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Firsts, Succeed

  59 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  349 Copy quote

• I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Paranoid, Not Sure

  77 Copy quote

• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  69 Copy quote

• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Zero, Humor

  24 Copy quote

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