The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
always remember your unique, just like everone else
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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