Steven Wright Quotes

Quotes about:

• always remember your unique, just like everone else

  Steven Wright

  Unique, Remember

  61 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  674 Copy quote

• Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  Steven Wright

  Funny Motivational, Teaching, Math

  24 Copy quote

• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  188 Copy quote

• When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Teacher, School

  133 Copy quote

• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Ocean, Humor

  117 Copy quote

• The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

  Steven Wright

  Stars, Lying, Night

  199 Copy quote

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cowboy

  41 Copy quote

• Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

  Steven Wright

  49 Copy quote

• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Men

  199 Copy quote

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  150 Copy quote

• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

  Steven Wright

  Inferiority, Very Good, Inferiority Complex

  105 Copy quote

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Stars, Believe

  105 Copy quote

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Taste

  130 Copy quote

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Vegetables

  66 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  325 Copy quote

• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  58 Copy quote

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

  44 Copy quote

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

  Steven Wright

  Sleep, Naps, Annoying

  31 Copy quote

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  53 Copy quote

• The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Perception, Taught

  157 Copy quote

• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  36 Copy quote

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  209 Copy quote

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  103 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Firsts, Succeed

  43 Copy quote

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