Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
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