Steven Wright Quotes - Page 10

Quotes about:

• I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Keys

  12 Copy quote

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Waiting

  6 Copy quote

• I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dog, Silly

  15 Copy quote

• If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

  Steven Wright

  Needs, Use, Mime

  6 Copy quote

• Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hate, Fall

  16 Copy quote

• I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

  Steven Wright

  Names, Mets, Generic

  4 Copy quote

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  34 Copy quote

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

  Steven Wright

  Drug, May, Routes

  5 Copy quote

• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Littles

  12 Copy quote

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Science, Theory Of Evolution

  30 Copy quote

• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girlfriend, Writing

  5 Copy quote

• My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

  Steven Wright

  Secret, Staying Young, Young

  7 Copy quote

• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  12 Copy quote

• When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Horse

  5 Copy quote

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

  Steven Wright

  8 Copy quote

• My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

  Steven Wright

  School, Color, Naked

  7 Copy quote

• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  58 Copy quote

• Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Beer

  14 Copy quote

• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

  Steven Wright

  Cat, People, Insanity

  24 Copy quote

• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Business, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

  Steven Wright

  Karaoke, Lips, Arrested

  20 Copy quote

• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

  Steven Wright

  Museums, Arms, Comedy

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  17 Copy quote

• If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Ice, Swim

  6 Copy quote

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

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