Steven Wright Quotes - Page 10

Quotes about:

• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Borders

  10 Copy quote

• I lost a button hole.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Buttons

  7 Copy quote

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

  Steven Wright

  Food, Humor, Cooking

  66 Copy quote

• My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thickness

  19 Copy quote

• I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dog, Silly

  15 Copy quote

• I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  4 Copy quote

• I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

  Steven Wright

  Beach, Sea, Shells

  "I Have a Pony". Live album by Steven Wright, track 09, 1985.

  16 Copy quote

• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  12 Copy quote

• Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hate, Fall

  16 Copy quote

• I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

  Steven Wright

  Names, Mets, Generic

  4 Copy quote

• I had amnesia once or twice.

  Steven Wright

  Amnesia

  11 Copy quote

• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Learning, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Littles

  12 Copy quote

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

  Steven Wright

  Drug, May, Routes

  5 Copy quote

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Years

  19 Copy quote

• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Taken

  12 Copy quote

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Science, Theory Of Evolution

  30 Copy quote

• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  58 Copy quote

• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girlfriend, Writing

  5 Copy quote

• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

  Steven Wright

  Cat, People, Insanity

  24 Copy quote

• When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Horse

  5 Copy quote

• Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Beer

  14 Copy quote

• My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

  Steven Wright

  School, Color, Naked

  7 Copy quote

• My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

  Steven Wright

  Secret, Staying Young, Young

  7 Copy quote

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