Steven Wright Quotes - Page 14

Quotes about:

• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Clerks

  4 Copy quote

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Party

  9 Copy quote

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

  Steven Wright

  Communication, Home, Car

  7 Copy quote

• If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Use

  9 Copy quote

• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Laughing

  16 Copy quote

• I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

  Steven Wright

  Grateful, Careers, Imagination

  18 Copy quote

• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Glasses, Two

  8 Copy quote

• It's a fine night to have an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  4 Copy quote

• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

  Steven Wright

  Men, Gambling, Las Vegas

  88 Copy quote

• Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

  Steven Wright

  Hours, Faster, Officers

  8 Copy quote

• Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

  Steven Wright

  Real, Might, Holograms

  14 Copy quote

• I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  14 Copy quote

• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  15 Copy quote

• I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Science, Technology

  6 Copy quote

• Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

  Steven Wright

  Yesterday, Eyeglasses, Prescriptions

  67 Copy quote

• I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

  Steven Wright

  Teacher, School, Class

  16 Copy quote

• Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

  Steven Wright

  Ideas, Giving, Jokes

  10 Copy quote

• I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Coats

  6 Copy quote

• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Products

  7 Copy quote

• I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

  Steven Wright

  Home, Phones, Machines

  4 Copy quote

• I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Garage

  4 Copy quote

• I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Art, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

  Steven Wright

  Art, Guitar, Drawing

  13 Copy quote

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