Steven Wright Quotes - Page 12

Quotes about:

• I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Suicide, Writing

  17 Copy quote

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  Steven Wright

  Sarcastic, Hurt, Feels

  4 Copy quote

• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Cat, Eye

  14 Copy quote

• Sometimes I... No, I don't.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Sometimes

  15 Copy quote

• How young can you die of old age?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nature, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

  Steven Wright

  Sacrifice, Ice Cream, Years

  20 Copy quote

• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Watches

  5 Copy quote

• The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

  Steven Wright

  Language, Sometimes, Subconscious

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  6 Copy quote

• What a nice night for an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  20 Copy quote

• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  11 Copy quote

• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

  5 Copy quote

• I was an only child, eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Humor

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  64 Copy quote

• I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

  Steven Wright

  Car, Comedian, Sound

  5 Copy quote

• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Inspiration, Writing

  7 Copy quote

• All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  7 Copy quote

• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

  Steven Wright

  Doors, Justice, Garage

  5 Copy quote

• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Trying

  7 Copy quote

• My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Heart, Humor

  15 Copy quote

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