Steven Wright Quotes - Page 13

Quotes about:

• I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

  Steven Wright

  Home, Air, Understanding

  10 Copy quote

• When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

  Steven Wright

  Feet, Car, Wheels

  5 Copy quote

• I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

  Steven Wright

  Narrators, Used, Mime

  4 Copy quote

• Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

  Steven Wright

  Snakes, Arms, Vests

  12 Copy quote

• I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

  Steven Wright

  Land, Pieces, Property

  15 Copy quote

• The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  6 Copy quote

• I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Arrested

  5 Copy quote

• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Christmas, Brother

  10 Copy quote

• You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Book, Fall

  4 Copy quote

• I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  23 Copy quote

• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Ocean, Humor

  58 Copy quote

• I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  13 Copy quote

• How can there be self-help groups?

  Steven Wright

  Self, Groups, Helping

  4 Copy quote

• While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Gone

  12 Copy quote

• I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

  Steven Wright

  Baby, Thinking, Needs

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  7 Copy quote

• You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

  Steven Wright

  Fighting, Hockey, Games

  "CNN Live Today" with Daryn Kagan, edition.cnn.com. April 19, 2006.

  4 Copy quote

• For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, 50th Birthday

  7 Copy quote

• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Beautiful, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Research

  10 Copy quote

• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Clerks

  4 Copy quote

• I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cake

  16 Copy quote

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Party

  9 Copy quote

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

  Steven Wright

  Communication, Home, Car

  7 Copy quote

• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

  33 Copy quote

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