Steven Wright Quotes - Page 16

Quotes about:

• I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

  Steven Wright

  Father, Stranger, Havens

  4 Copy quote

• I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

  4 Copy quote

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Winning

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• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

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• The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

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• I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Keys, Car, Break Out

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• There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Air

  6 Copy quote

• I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

  Steven Wright

  Summer, People, Maps

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• My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

  Steven Wright

  Friendship, Eight, Years

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• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

  Steven Wright

  Tree, Forests, Walking

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

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• So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

  Steven Wright

  Wings, People, Forget

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• My father was a small claims court jester.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Father, Humor

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• The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

  Steven Wright

  Perspective, Insane, Trying

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• Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

  Steven Wright

  People, Laughing, Four

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• Is 'tired old cliché' one?

  Steven Wright

  Tired

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• I'm a peripheral visionary.

  Steven Wright

  Vision, Visionaries

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• Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Insane, Littles

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• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  Steven Wright

  Fuzzy, Doe, Logic

  7 Copy quote

• I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Eye, Black And White

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• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

  Steven Wright

  Good Morning, Girlfriend, Mistake

  59 Copy quote

• I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

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• People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

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• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Giving

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• To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

  Steven Wright

  Song, Minutes, Notes

  9 Copy quote

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