Steven Wright Quotes - Page 16

Quotes about:

• The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Keys, Car, Break Out

  10 Copy quote

• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Scientist

  6 Copy quote

• There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Air

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• I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

  Steven Wright

  Summer, People, Maps

  7 Copy quote

• My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

  Steven Wright

  Friendship, Eight, Years

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• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

  Steven Wright

  Tree, Forests, Walking

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  7 Copy quote

• My father was a small claims court jester.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Father, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

  Steven Wright

  Wings, People, Forget

  8 Copy quote

• What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

  Steven Wright

  Crazy, Matter, Logic

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• I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

  Steven Wright

  Science, Car, Looks

  4 Copy quote

• The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

  Steven Wright

  Perspective, Insane, Trying

  4 Copy quote

• Is 'tired old cliché' one?

  Steven Wright

  Tired

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• Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

  Steven Wright

  People, Laughing, Four

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• You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Old Testament, Should

  4 Copy quote

• I'm a peripheral visionary.

  Steven Wright

  Vision, Visionaries

  4 Copy quote

• Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Insane, Littles

  4 Copy quote

• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  Steven Wright

  Fuzzy, Doe, Logic

  7 Copy quote

• I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Eye, Black And White

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• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

  Steven Wright

  Good Morning, Girlfriend, Mistake

  59 Copy quote

• I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

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• People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  8 Copy quote

• I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Mistake, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

  Steven Wright

  Song, Minutes, Notes

  9 Copy quote

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