Steven Wright Quotes - Page 20

Quotes about:

• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

  Steven Wright

  Moving, Taken, Focus

  4 Copy quote

• Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

  Steven Wright

  Naked, Band

  4 Copy quote

• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Hands

  4 Copy quote

• My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  8 Copy quote

• It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Race, Bed

  4 Copy quote

• It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

  Steven Wright

  Silence, Stuff, Silent

  4 Copy quote

• Do you have any toy train schedules?

  Steven Wright

  Schedules, Toys, Train

  7 Copy quote

• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

  Steven Wright

  Elephants, Pet, Comedy

  67 Copy quote

• I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

  Steven Wright

  Dog, New York, Florida

  7 Copy quote

• I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

  Steven Wright

  Boys, Ice Cream, Cake

  7 Copy quote

• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Ice

  7 Copy quote

• Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

  Steven Wright

  Time, Sorry, Mind

  6 Copy quote

• The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Brother

  22 Copy quote

• Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

  Steven Wright

  Life, Baby, Destiny

  8 Copy quote

• One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

  Steven Wright

  Guy, One Day, No Money

  4 Copy quote

• I washed mud off of mud.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mud

  4 Copy quote

• Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Running

  4 Copy quote

• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Wire

  4 Copy quote

• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Wall, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

  Steven Wright

  Lasts, Week, Bicycle

  4 Copy quote

• I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

  Steven Wright

  United States, Maps, Size

  4 Copy quote

• It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

  Steven Wright

  Interesting, Feelings, Doe

  7 Copy quote

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