Steven Wright Quotes - Page 17

Quotes about:

• The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Confused, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Yesterday

  4 Copy quote

• At one point he decided enough was enough.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Frustration

  6 Copy quote

• I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Jobs, Drinking

  7 Copy quote

• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Tired, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

  Steven Wright

  West, Internet, Wild West

  7 Copy quote

• You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

  Steven Wright

  Branches, Twigs, Spit

  9 Copy quote

• My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Son, Talking

  4 Copy quote

• When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

  Steven Wright

  Snakes, Owning A Pet, Adorable

  5 Copy quote

• For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

  Steven Wright

  Running, Justice, Car

  11 Copy quote

• I just lost a buttonhole.

  Steven Wright

  Lost

  4 Copy quote

• Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

  Steven Wright

  Running, Ice, Ponds

  7 Copy quote

• In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

  Steven Wright

  Hard Work, Successful, Way

  10 Copy quote

• Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Moving, Tired, Idiot

  7 Copy quote

• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

  Steven Wright

  Tired, People, Saws

  4 Copy quote

• I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Way

  8 Copy quote

• I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

  Steven Wright

  Awards, Tv Shows, Giving

  16 Copy quote

• Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

  Steven Wright

  Women, Ems, True Lies

  7 Copy quote

• I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

  Steven Wright

  Want, Wonder, Selling

  10 Copy quote

• When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Thinking, Years

  9 Copy quote

• I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Fun, Justice

  7 Copy quote

• I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

  Steven Wright

  Reflection, People, Levels

  4 Copy quote

• I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, School, College

  16 Copy quote

• I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

  Steven Wright

  Changed, I Haven't Changed, Havens

  7 Copy quote

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