Steven Wright Quotes - Page 15

Quotes about:

• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Music, Song

  4 Copy quote

• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Gone

  25 Copy quote

• I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

  Steven Wright

  Teaching, Thinking, Mirrors

  13 Copy quote

• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Witty, Humorous

  15 Copy quote

• It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Writing, Gears

  14 Copy quote

• Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

  Steven Wright

  Honor, Mind, Parks

  11 Copy quote

• The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

  Steven Wright

  Doctors

  4 Copy quote

• Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

  Steven Wright

  Wish, Bed, Lasts

  11 Copy quote

• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

  Steven Wright

  Dream, Night, Watches

  7 Copy quote

• I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  4 Copy quote

• When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

  Steven Wright

  Mind, Trying, Looks

  15 Copy quote

• I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dog, Moving

  5 Copy quote

• Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

  Steven Wright

  Imagine

  4 Copy quote

• If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  4 Copy quote

• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Motivational Sports, Humor

  72 Copy quote

• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Owing

  6 Copy quote

• I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

  Steven Wright

  Birth, Certificates, Birth Certificate

  4 Copy quote

• Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Comedian, Stuff

  9 Copy quote

• When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

  Steven Wright

  Father, Stranger, Havens

  4 Copy quote

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Winning

  4 Copy quote

• I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

  7 Copy quote

• I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

  4 Copy quote

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