Steven Wright Quotes - Page 18

Quotes about:

• I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hate, Fall

  5 Copy quote

• I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

  Steven Wright

  Mcdonalds, Ideas, Expansion

  5 Copy quote

• Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Country, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Trying Something New, Creating

  7 Copy quote

• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

  15 Copy quote

• I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

  7 Copy quote

• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dollars

  4 Copy quote

• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Machines, Done

  7 Copy quote

• I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

  Steven Wright

  Kindness, Food, Moving

  6 Copy quote

• I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Remote Control

  5 Copy quote

• George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

  Steven Wright

  Home, School, Class

  4 Copy quote

• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Limbo

  4 Copy quote

• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

  Steven Wright

  Imagination, My Friends, My Imagination

  6 Copy quote

• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Heart, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Song, Girlfriend

  5 Copy quote

• Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Baby, Beach

  7 Copy quote

• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  7 Copy quote

• I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

  Steven Wright

  Emotion

  4 Copy quote

• I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  4 Copy quote

• Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

  Steven Wright

  Years, Criminals, Different

  7 Copy quote

• When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Funny Things, Wow

  4 Copy quote

• I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

  Steven Wright

  Tired, Night, Trying

  7 Copy quote

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