Steven Wright Quotes - Page 11

Quotes about:

• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Business, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friends, Humor

  22 Copy quote

• I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

  Steven Wright

  Karaoke, Lips, Arrested

  20 Copy quote

• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

  Steven Wright

  Museums, Arms, Comedy

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  17 Copy quote

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

• If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Ice, Swim

  6 Copy quote

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  Steven Wright

  Sarcastic, Hurt, Feels

  4 Copy quote

• I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

  Steven Wright

  Trying, Shy, Lines

  31 Copy quote

• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  9 Copy quote

• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Submarines

  9 Copy quote

• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  9 Copy quote

• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Jobs, Book

  10 Copy quote

• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

  Steven Wright

  Mirrors, House, Tape

  15 Copy quote

• The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

  Steven Wright

  Years, People, Information

  8 Copy quote

• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eight

  6 Copy quote

• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Agents

  10 Copy quote

• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Pigs

  4 Copy quote

• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Computer

  9 Copy quote

• It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

  Steven Wright

  Confused, Confusion, Bird

  25 Copy quote

• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  4 Copy quote

• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nature, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Speed, Bookmarks

  9 Copy quote

• I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, My Dog, Walks

  4 Copy quote

• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Snakes

  13 Copy quote

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