Steven Wright Quotes - Page 11

Quotes about:

• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friends, Humor

  22 Copy quote

• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  9 Copy quote

• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

  Steven Wright

  Trying, Shy, Lines

  31 Copy quote

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Years

  19 Copy quote

• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

  Steven Wright

  Bridges, Radio, Comedy

  10 Copy quote

• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Learning, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

  Steven Wright

  Mirrors, House, Tape

  15 Copy quote

• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eight

  6 Copy quote

• The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

  Steven Wright

  Years, People, Information

  8 Copy quote

• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Agents

  10 Copy quote

• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Taken

  12 Copy quote

• I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, My Dog, Walks

  4 Copy quote

• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  4 Copy quote

• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Computer

  9 Copy quote

• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  9 Copy quote

• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Snakes

  13 Copy quote

• It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

  Steven Wright

  Confused, Confusion, Bird

  25 Copy quote

• I had amnesia once or twice.

  Steven Wright

  Amnesia

  11 Copy quote

• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Speed, Bookmarks

  9 Copy quote

• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Submarines

  9 Copy quote

• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

  85 Copy quote

• I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Jobs, Book

  10 Copy quote

• I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

  Steven Wright

  Photography, Cameras, Needs

  14 Copy quote

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