There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
What a nice night for an evening.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
A metaphor is like a simile.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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