They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Clones are people two.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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