If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: