Steven Wright Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  58 Copy quote

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  80 Copy quote

• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Time

  45 Copy quote

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  25 Copy quote

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Steven Wright

  Fun, Work, Distance

  67 Copy quote

• Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Numbers

  70 Copy quote

• I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  131 Copy quote

• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Zero, Humor

  24 Copy quote

• The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Perception, Taught

  163 Copy quote

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

  Steven Wright

  Sleep, Naps, Annoying

  36 Copy quote

• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Memories, Humor

  177 Copy quote

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  109 Copy quote

• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Swim

  16 Copy quote

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Noses

  63 Copy quote

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Ideas

  445 Copy quote

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Positive, Success

  56 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  437 Copy quote

• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  83 Copy quote

• I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

  Steven Wright

  Matter, Quitting, Placebo

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  66 Copy quote
• 

  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sports, Sarcastic

  93 Copy quote

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  214 Copy quote

• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

  Steven Wright

  Men, Shoes, Feet

  20 Copy quote

• I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

  Steven Wright

  Hitchhiking, Thanks, Said

  34 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  120 Copy quote

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  32 Copy quote

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