Steven Wright Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

  Steven Wright

  Country, Phones, Questions And Answers

  19 Copy quote

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

  49 Copy quote

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Procrastination, Humor

  85 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Success, Clever

  83 Copy quote

• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  39 Copy quote

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

  Steven Wright

  Flight, Non Stop

  118 Copy quote

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  86 Copy quote

• Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Sweaters

  30 Copy quote

• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

  Steven Wright

  Work, Opportunity, Self

  137 Copy quote

• All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  32 Copy quote

• Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

  Steven Wright

  Book, Islands, Desert

  50 Copy quote

• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Humor

  71 Copy quote

• I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

  Steven Wright

  Hitchhiking, Thanks, Said

  33 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  120 Copy quote

• Half the people you know are below average.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Average

  12 Copy quote

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Monday, Humor

  37 Copy quote

• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Beach, Nature

  47 Copy quote

• I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  78 Copy quote

• The speed of time is one second per second.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Speed

  11 Copy quote

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  32 Copy quote

• You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

  Steven Wright

  Depression, Nice, Scare

  122 Copy quote

• 43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  Steven Wright

  Statistics, Made, Spots

  9 Copy quote

• Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

  Steven Wright

  Australia, People, World

  13 Copy quote

• I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

  Steven Wright

  Success, Book, Writing

  26 Copy quote

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