Steven Wright Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

Funny, Procrastination, Humor

85 Copy quote
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

Steven Wright

Hitchhiking, Thanks, Said

34 Copy quote
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

118 Copy quote
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Sweaters

30 Copy quote
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

Funny, Success, Clever

85 Copy quote
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright

Work, Opportunity, Self

137 Copy quote
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

Steven Wright

Funny, Home, Humor

15 Copy quote
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Play

49 Copy quote
How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Steven Wright

Flight, Non Stop

118 Copy quote
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Doe

86 Copy quote
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Batteries

39 Copy quote
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Steven Wright

Country, Phones, Questions And Answers

19 Copy quote
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

Funny, Clever, Smart

17 Copy quote
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Funny, Children, Humor

71 Copy quote
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

Book, Islands, Desert

50 Copy quote
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Funny, Believe, Humor

32 Copy quote
Half the people you know are below average.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Average

12 Copy quote
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Steven Wright

Funny, Monday, Humor

37 Copy quote
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Steven Wright

Statistics, Made, Spots

9 Copy quote
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

Funny, Beach, Nature

48 Copy quote
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, People

78 Copy quote
The speed of time is one second per second.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Speed

11 Copy quote
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Steven Wright

Depression, Nice, Scare

122 Copy quote
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Steven Wright

Space, Three, Showing Up

7 Copy quote
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

People, Support, Culture

44 Copy quote

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Born: December 6, 1955
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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