Steven Wright Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

• Half the people you know are below average.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Average

  9 Copy quote

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  22 Copy quote

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Monday, Humor

  37 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  428 Copy quote

• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

  Steven Wright

  Hands, Watches, Thirds

  12 Copy quote

• You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

  Steven Wright

  Depression, Nice, Scare

  121 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  110 Copy quote

• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eyeglasses

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  85 Copy quote

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Song, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  77 Copy quote

• The speed of time is one second per second.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Speed

  9 Copy quote

• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

  Steven Wright

  Country, Phones, Questions And Answers

  17 Copy quote

• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Writing

  18 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  231 Copy quote

• I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

  Steven Wright

  Hitchhiking, Thanks, Said

  32 Copy quote

• All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  30 Copy quote

• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  14 Copy quote

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  15 Copy quote

• I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

  Steven Wright

  Success, Book, Writing

  24 Copy quote

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  Steven Wright

  People, Support, Culture

  42 Copy quote

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Ideas

  424 Copy quote

• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Cute, Time

  30 Copy quote

• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  30 Copy quote

• If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Kids, Hands

  7 Copy quote

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