Steven Wright Quotes - Page 9

Quotes about:

• I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

  Steven Wright

  Dying, Almost Dying, Bungee

  23 Copy quote

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  33 Copy quote

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Comedy, Express Yourself

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

  Steven Wright

  Insightful, Kind, Hindsight

  18 Copy quote

• Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

  Steven Wright

  11 Copy quote

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

  Steven Wright

  8 Copy quote

• I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

  Steven Wright

  Zebras, Reading, Turns

  "The Simpsons", TV Series (1989– ). "The Last Temptation of Krust", www.imdb.com. 1998.

  53 Copy quote

• I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Team, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Rays

  4 Copy quote

• If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

  Steven Wright

  Needs, Use, Mime

  6 Copy quote

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Waiting

  6 Copy quote

• I invented the cordless extension cord.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

  Steven Wright

  Hockey, Men, Goalies

  6 Copy quote

• I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Keys, Two

  11 Copy quote

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  34 Copy quote

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eating

  8 Copy quote

• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  18 Copy quote

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  30 Copy quote

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dropping Acid

  "The Things I Wish They'd Told Me. As I Was Growing Up". Book by David Rankin, p. 97, 2010.

  54 Copy quote

• I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

  Steven Wright

  Guy, Laid Back, Looks

  18 Copy quote

• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Power

  11 Copy quote

• Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

  Steven Wright

  Zero, Math, Black

  35 Copy quote

• I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Gardening, Ants

  28 Copy quote

• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Borders

  10 Copy quote

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