Steven Wright Quotes - Page 9

Quotes about:

• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Use

  43 Copy quote

• Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

  Steven Wright

  Hockey, Men, Goalies

  6 Copy quote

• I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Team, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

  Steven Wright

  Zebras, Reading, Turns

  "The Simpsons", TV Series (1989– ). "The Last Temptation of Krust", www.imdb.com. 1998.

  53 Copy quote

• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  13 Copy quote

• I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Keys, Two

  11 Copy quote

• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Art, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• What do batteries run on?

  Steven Wright

  Running, Home, Energy

  7 Copy quote

• In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

  Steven Wright

  Insightful, Kind, Hindsight

  18 Copy quote

• I invented the cordless extension cord.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  4 Copy quote

• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  18 Copy quote

• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Power

  11 Copy quote

• I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Gardening, Ants

  28 Copy quote

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  30 Copy quote

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dropping Acid

  "The Things I Wish They'd Told Me. As I Was Growing Up". Book by David Rankin, p. 97, 2010.

  53 Copy quote

• I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

  Steven Wright

  Guy, Laid Back, Looks

  18 Copy quote

• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Borders

  10 Copy quote

• Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

  Steven Wright

  Zero, Math, Black

  35 Copy quote

• I lost a button hole.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Buttons

  7 Copy quote

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eating

  8 Copy quote

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

  Steven Wright

  Food, Humor, Cooking

  66 Copy quote

• My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thickness

  19 Copy quote

• I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

  Steven Wright

  Beach, Sea, Shells

  "I Have a Pony". Live album by Steven Wright, track 09, 1985.

  16 Copy quote

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