Steven Wright Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Nice, Home

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  59 Copy quote

• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Business, Humor

  57 Copy quote

• I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

  Steven Wright

  Home, Energy, Pay

  6 Copy quote

• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Use

  43 Copy quote

• I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

  Steven Wright

  Mind, Madness, Lost

  38 Copy quote

• Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  23 Copy quote

• You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Waiting

  8 Copy quote

• The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Feelings, Kind

  11 Copy quote

• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Fog

  11 Copy quote

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Steven Wright

  Animal, Plant

  23 Copy quote

• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Lethal Injection

  9 Copy quote

• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  13 Copy quote

• Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

  Steven Wright

  Dream, Night, World

  17 Copy quote

• I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Art, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

  Steven Wright

  Death, Fun, Science

  9 Copy quote

• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Christmas, Tired

  87 Copy quote

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bread

  9 Copy quote

• I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Keys

  12 Copy quote

• A metaphor is like a simile.

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Metaphor, Simile

  7 Copy quote

• If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Tourists

  25 Copy quote

• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Chickens

  15 Copy quote

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