I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
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