Steven Wright Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Wish

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  22 Copy quote

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  14 Copy quote

• I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Limits

  36 Copy quote

• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

  Steven Wright

  Death, Girlfriend, One Day

  10 Copy quote

• My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

  Steven Wright

  Doctors, Work Out, Shapes

  18 Copy quote

• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  57 Copy quote

• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  19 Copy quote

• Clones are people two.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Two

  11 Copy quote

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Glue

  21 Copy quote

• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Cute, Time

  33 Copy quote

• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Ink

  11 Copy quote
• 

  I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Food, Coffee

  95 Copy quote

• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Summer, Humor

  101 Copy quote

• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  12 Copy quote

• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Pet, Gone

  17 Copy quote

• If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

  Steven Wright

  Reflection, Mirrors, Hair

  16 Copy quote

• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  18 Copy quote

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Two

  11 Copy quote

• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  24 Copy quote

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

  Steven Wright

  Sarcastic, Cat, Sarcasm

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  89 Copy quote

• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

  Steven Wright

  Cat, Justice, Cooking

  17 Copy quote

• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Book

  5 Copy quote

• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Use

  14 Copy quote

• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Healing, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Men

  7 Copy quote

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