Steven Wright Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  32 Copy quote

• Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

  Steven Wright

  Australia, People, World

  13 Copy quote

• I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Birthday, Moving, Tired

  17 Copy quote

• What's another word for Thesaurus?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Silly

  "Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary, edited by Christian Kay, Jane Roberts, Michael Samuels & Irené Wotherspoon" by Steven Poole, www.theguardian.com. December 18, 2009.

  35 Copy quote

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Peace

  24 Copy quote

• It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

  Steven Wright

  Firsts, Killing, First Time

  72 Copy quote

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Mistake, Humor

  19 Copy quote

• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Severity

  22 Copy quote

• I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Psychics

  8 Copy quote

• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eyeglasses

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  88 Copy quote

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

  Steven Wright

  Hawaii, Highways, Interstate

  9 Copy quote

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dark

  "Believe the hype: Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez might be the real deal" by DJ Gallo, www.theguardian.com. September 1, 2016.

  19 Copy quote

• My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

  Steven Wright

  Nephew, Doe, Attention

  45 Copy quote

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Swear

  12 Copy quote

• If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Kids, Hands

  10 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  241 Copy quote

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Humor

  21 Copy quote

• I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

  Steven Wright

  Space, Three, Showing Up

  7 Copy quote

• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Matter

  11 Copy quote

• Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

  Steven Wright

  Phones, Looks, Ears

  25 Copy quote

• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

  37 Copy quote

• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

  "Happy Birthday to You" by Don Meyer, Ph.D., www.huffingtonpost.com. October 1, 2013.

  110 Copy quote

• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

  Steven Wright

  Death, Girlfriend, One Day

  10 Copy quote

• I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Limits

  36 Copy quote

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