Steven Wright Quotes - Page 4

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

Inspirational, Funny, Silly

"Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary, edited by Christian Kay, Jane Roberts, Michael Samuels & Irené Wotherspoon" by Steven Poole, www.theguardian.com. December 18, 2009.

35 Copy quote
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

Birthday, Moving, Tired

17 Copy quote
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

People, Support, Culture

44 Copy quote
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Doors

32 Copy quote
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Steven Wright

Funny, Fall, Humor

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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Psychics

8 Copy quote
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Peace

24 Copy quote
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Severity

22 Copy quote
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Steven Wright

Hawaii, Highways, Interstate

9 Copy quote
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Dark

"Believe the hype: Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez might be the real deal" by DJ Gallo, www.theguardian.com. September 1, 2016.

19 Copy quote
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

Firsts, Killing, First Time

72 Copy quote
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Eyeglasses

"Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

88 Copy quote
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Steven Wright

Space, Three, Showing Up

7 Copy quote
No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Steven Wright

Funny, Mistake, Humor

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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Steven Wright

Mother, Kids, Hands

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Swear

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Matter

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

241 Copy quote
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Steven Wright

Nephew, Doe, Attention

45 Copy quote
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Steven Wright

Phones, Looks, Ears

25 Copy quote
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Humor

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

Funny, Birthday, Humor

"Happy Birthday to You" by Don Meyer, Ph.D., www.huffingtonpost.com. October 1, 2013.

110 Copy quote
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Steven Wright

Funny, Travel, Memories

37 Copy quote
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Ink

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My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Steven Wright

Doctors, Work Out, Shapes

18 Copy quote

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Born: December 6, 1955
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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