Funny Sarcastic Quotes

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

  130 Copy quote

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• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  118 Copy quote

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• I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

  Richard Pryor

  Smell, Drug Addiction, Way

  93 Copy quote

• The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

  Helen Rowland

  Sarcastic, Funny Women, Excitement

  59 Copy quote

• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sarcastic, Money

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  294 Copy quote

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• Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  68 Copy quote

• I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

  Jim Carrey

  Beautiful, Alcohol, Drug

  10 Copy quote

• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Drinking, Beer

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  234 Copy quote

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  A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

  Hugh Sidey

  Funny, Happiness, Happy

  43 Copy quote

• Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

  Carl Jung

  Drinking, Recovery, Overcoming Addiction

  Memories, Dreams, Reflections ch. 12 (1962)

  82 Copy quote

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  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

  90 Copy quote

• All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

  George Orwell

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Animal Farm ch. 10 (1945) See Bierce 141

  60 Copy quote

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• Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side

  Thomas Sowell

  Sarcastic, Giving, Funny Political

  6 Copy quote

• Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

  Tina Fey

  Girl, Sarcastic, Athlete

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

  48 Copy quote

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  To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

  Thomas Paine

  Funny, 4th Of July, Medicine

  247 Copy quote
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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Funny, Sarcastic, Believe

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1340 Copy quote

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• He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

  Voltaire

  Learning, Ignorance, Stupid People

  56 Copy quote

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  894 Copy quote

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  34 Copy quote

• Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

  Benny Hill

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, People

  132 Copy quote

• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Sarcastic, Running

  301 Copy quote

• Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

  Eddie Izzard

  Girl, Sarcastic, Sex

  28 Copy quote

• A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  21 Copy quote

• There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

  Darynda Jones

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Darynda Jones (2012). “Third Grave Dead Ahead”, p.26, Macmillan

  38 Copy quote

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