Funny Sarcastic Quotes

• Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  88 Copy quote
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  To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

  Thomas Paine

  Funny, 4th Of July, Medicine

  330 Copy quote

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

  141 Copy quote

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• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sarcastic, Money

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  328 Copy quote

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• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Drinking, Beer

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  19 Copy quote

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• I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

  Jim Carrey

  Beautiful, Alcohol, Drug

  15 Copy quote

• A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  36 Copy quote

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  139 Copy quote

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  A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

  Hugh Sidey

  Funny, Happiness, Happy

  49 Copy quote

• When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.

  Fred Bear

  God, Sarcastic, Hunting

  73 Copy quote
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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Funny, Sarcastic, Believe

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1414 Copy quote

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• I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

  Richard Pryor

  Smell, Drug Addiction, Way

  124 Copy quote

• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Funny, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  96 Copy quote

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• I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

  William Shakespeare

  Sarcastic, Witty, Funny Life

  299 Copy quote

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  18 Copy quote

• Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

  Ira Glass

  Funny, Humorous, Enough

  34 Copy quote
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  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

  109 Copy quote

• I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.442, Courier Corporation

  16 Copy quote

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• If you think research is expensive, try disease!

  Mary Lasker

  Sarcastic, Thinking, Trying

  "The Lasker Legacy". www.laskerfoundation.org.

  57 Copy quote

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• Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

  Carl Jung

  Drinking, Recovery, Overcoming Addiction

  Memories, Dreams, Reflections ch. 12 (1962)

  90 Copy quote

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• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  18 Copy quote

• The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

  Helen Rowland

  Sarcastic, Funny Women, Excitement

  67 Copy quote

• He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

  Voltaire

  Learning, Ignorance, Stupid People

  70 Copy quote

• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

  65 Copy quote

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• The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  17 Copy quote