Funny Sarcastic Quotes

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Funny, Sarcastic, Believe

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1348 Copy quote

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• I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

  Richard Pryor

  Smell, Drug Addiction, Way

  98 Copy quote

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  120 Copy quote

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• He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

  Voltaire

  Learning, Ignorance, Stupid People

  58 Copy quote

• The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

  Helen Rowland

  Sarcastic, Funny Women, Excitement

  59 Copy quote

• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sarcastic, Money

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  296 Copy quote

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• I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

  Jim Carrey

  Beautiful, Alcohol, Drug

  10 Copy quote

• I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.442, Courier Corporation

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• Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  68 Copy quote

• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Drinking, Beer

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  13 Copy quote

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  To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

  Thomas Paine

  Funny, 4th Of July, Medicine

  251 Copy quote

• A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  23 Copy quote

• If you think research is expensive, try disease!

  Mary Lasker

  Sarcastic, Thinking, Trying

  "The Lasker Legacy". www.laskerfoundation.org.

  53 Copy quote

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  A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

  Hugh Sidey

  Funny, Happiness, Happy

  43 Copy quote
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  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

  91 Copy quote

• Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

  Carl Jung

  Drinking, Recovery, Overcoming Addiction

  Memories, Dreams, Reflections ch. 12 (1962)

  82 Copy quote

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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  237 Copy quote

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• All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

  George Orwell

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Animal Farm ch. 10 (1945) See Bierce 141

  61 Copy quote

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• When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.

  Fred Bear

  God, Sarcastic, Hunting

  68 Copy quote

• There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

  Darynda Jones

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Darynda Jones (2012). “Third Grave Dead Ahead”, p.26, Macmillan

  38 Copy quote

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• Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

  Ira Glass

  Funny, Humorous, Enough

  29 Copy quote

• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

  61 Copy quote

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• Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Inspiration

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation

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• The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  13 Copy quote