Funny Sarcastic Quotes - Page 2

• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Comedian

  "Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together". Comedy, 2003.

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• The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

  Helen Rowland

  Sarcastic, Funny Women, Excitement

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• There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

  Darynda Jones

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Darynda Jones (2012). “Third Grave Dead Ahead”, p.26, Macmillan

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• He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

  Voltaire

  Learning, Ignorance, Stupid People

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• Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Inspiration

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation

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• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

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• 

  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

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• The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

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• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

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• Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.

  Chapman Cohen

  Spiritual, Religious, Atheist

  "An Anthology of Atheism and Rationalism" by Gordon Stein, Prometheus Books, (p. 258), 1980.

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• Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

  N. F. Simpson

  Drinking, Food, Reality

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• When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.

  Francois Rabelais

  Drinking, Beer, Thinking

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• Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

  Eddie Izzard

  Girl, Sarcastic, Sex

  33 Copy quote

• Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side

  Thomas Sowell

  Sarcastic, Giving, Funny Political

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• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Sarcastic, Running

  440 Copy quote

• Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

  Benny Hill

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, People

  176 Copy quote

• Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

  Tina Fey

  Girl, Sarcastic, Athlete

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

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• The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

  Albert Einstein

  Witty, Clever, Creativity

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

  Hunter S. Thompson

  Weed, Hate, Drinking

  FaceBook post by Hunter S. Thompson from Jul 15, 2014

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• Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

  Ogden Nash

  Funny, Drinking, Beer

  "Reflection on Ice-breaking" l. 1 (1931)

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• We drink [to] one another's health and spoil our own.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Drinking, Food, Health

  Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow (1886) "On Eating and Drinking"

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• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Feelings

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• Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

  Russell Lynes

  Sarcastic, Wise, Stupid

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• Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being an interesting person.

  Marilyn vos Savant

  Interesting, Alcohol, Drug

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• Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.

  Raymond Chandler

  Girl, Drinking, Beer

  The Long Goodbye ch. 4 (1953)

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