To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.
True love isn't the kind that endures through long years of absence, but the kind that endures through long years of propinquity.
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they 'don't understand' one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.
Never worry for fear you have broken a man's heart; at the worst it is only sprained and a week's rest will put it in perfect working condition again.
True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for friendship, no higher than your ideals, and no broader than the scope of your vision.
France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are 'made in America.'
A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest.
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.
Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.
Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex. In his wildest moments of rage Adam never could accuse her of being 'just like her mother!
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
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