Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.
Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves.
One thing about the past. It's likely to last.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.
Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.
Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.
How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
If called by a panther, don't anther.
The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.
The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?
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