Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.
Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.
Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves.
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
If called by a panther, don't anther.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.
Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.
How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.
Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.
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