Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.
Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.
One thing about the past. It's likely to last.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?
Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.
Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how.
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