If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me.
Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.
I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.
Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second-greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first-greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.
It was written without fear and without research.
You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.
Honesty means nothing until you are tested under circumstances where you are sure you could get away with dishonesty.
When I was young and bold and strong, The right was right, the wrong was wrong. With plume on high and flag unfurled, I rode away to right the world. But now I’m old - and good and bad, Are woven in a crazy plaid. I sit and say the world is so, And wise is s/he who lets it go.
Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them.
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