I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?
Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
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