Comedian Quotes - Page 7

• Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Usa, Secret

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 18, 2012

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• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Funny, Wall, Thinking

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

  89 Copy quote

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• As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Wedding, Sex

  Twitter post from May 25, 2014

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• Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Stupid People, Political

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 29, 2011

  31 Copy quote

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• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Finding Yourself

  "Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together". Comedy, 2003.

  14 Copy quote

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• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Travel, Fall

  "Making Maps, Second Edition" by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford Press, (p. 58), 2011.

  70 Copy quote

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• 

  You never know what's around the corner unless you peek. Hold someone's hand while you do it. You will feel less scared.

  Amy Poehler

  Inspirational, Fear, Hands

  Harvard University Class Day Commencement Address, delivered 26 May 2011

  30 Copy quote

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• It’s sad. Marxism didn’t work. Communism didn’t work. Capitalism doesn’t work.  Nothing works. Even democracy doesn’t work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who’s our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That’s great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government.

  Colin Quinn

  Sad, Leadership, Work

  44 Copy quote

• The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.

  Jake LaMotta

  Funny, Fighting, Boxing

  "Jake LaMotta - a life in pictures" by Daffydd Bynon, www.theguardian.com. September 20, 2017.

  94 Copy quote

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• Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

  Robin Williams

  Sad, Tired, Boys

  85 Copy quote
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  Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

  Betty White

  Funny, Jealousy, Humorous

  92 Copy quote

• The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.

  Zero Mostel

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Freedom

  60 Copy quote

• Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Government, Next

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Aug 06, 2012

  8 Copy quote

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• If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

  Moe Howard

  Food, Honey, Three Stooges

  38 Copy quote
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  My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

  Jim Carrey

  Soul, Body, Limits

  "Jim Carrey's inspiring commencement speech" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. May 28, 2014.

  87 Copy quote

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• The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 13, 2012

  73 Copy quote

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• On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Anniversary, 4th Of July

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 05, 2012

  24 Copy quote

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• Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

  Karl Pilkington

  Funny, Food, Cat

  23 Copy quote

• Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

  Chris Rock

  4th Of July, Holiday, White

  Twitter post from Jul 04, 2012

  17 Copy quote

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• Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

  Andy Borowitz

  Mom, Home, Hardest

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 14, 2012

  15 Copy quote

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• Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Running, Political

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Oct 05, 2011

  22 Copy quote

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• Music takes us where words cannot.

  Henry Winkler

  Music, Art, Filmmaker

  8 Copy quote

• I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.

  Mickey Rooney

  Inspirational, Moving On, Retirement

  55 Copy quote

• It's not all about acting. It's about giving an art of entertainment to humanity.

  Sean Berdy

  Art, Giving, Humanity

  60 Copy quote

• Catch Fire, Do Something, Get Excited by Finding Your Purpose In Life.

  Steve Harvey

  Life, Fire, African American

  FaceBook post by Steve Harvey from Dec 18, 2014

  52 Copy quote

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