Comedian Quotes - Page 6

• There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode.

  Tom Leykis

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• A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

  Artie Lange

  Sports, Baseball, Couple

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  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Reading, Learning

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

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• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

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  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

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• I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

  Garry Shandling

  Girl, Selfish, Thinking

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  There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Hilarious, Laughter

  120 Copy quote

• My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

  Judy Tenuta

  Success, Mom, Daughter

  82 Copy quote

• Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Crazy, Gun

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 18, 2012

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• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Travel, Fall

  "Making Maps, Second Edition" by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford Press, (p. 58), 2011.

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• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Funny, Witty, Work

  101 Copy quote

• Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

  George Carlin

  Eye, People, Looks

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• Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Children

  Twitter post from Apr 09, 2014

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• The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.

  Jake LaMotta

  Funny, Fighting, Boxing

  "Jake LaMotta - a life in pictures" by Daffydd Bynon, www.theguardian.com. September 20, 2017.

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• It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.

  Stephen Fry

  People, Freedom Of Speech, Common

  "I saw hate in a graveyard - Stephen Fry" by David Smith, www.theguardian.com. June 5, 2005.

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  Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

  Betty White

  Funny, Jealousy, Humorous

  66 Copy quote

• Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...

  David Cross

  Bible, Kings, Writing

  135 Copy quote

• Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

  Robin Williams

  Sad, Tired, Boys

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  My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

  Jim Carrey

  Soul, Body, Limits

  "Jim Carrey's inspiring commencement speech" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. May 28, 2014.

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• Look at what you could have won!

  Jim Bowen

  Winning, Games, Looks

  "Bullseye", www.imdb.com. (1981– ).

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• Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

  Karl Pilkington

  Funny, Food, Cat

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• Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

  Chris Rock

  4th Of July, Holiday, White

  Twitter post from Jul 04, 2012

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• It is better to look good than to feel good.

  Billy Crystal

  Feel Good, Looks, Looking Good

  Song: You Look Marvelous

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• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Funny, Wall, Thinking

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

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• Music takes us where words cannot.

  Henry Winkler

  Music, Art, Filmmaker

  6 Copy quote