Comedian Quotes - Page 6

• There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode.

  Tom Leykis

  8 Copy quote

• Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

  Buster Keaton

  Funny, Humorous, Long

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  87 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Reading, Learning

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

  416 Copy quote

  Show source

• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

  37 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

  1855 Copy quote

  Show source

• I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

  Garry Shandling

  Girl, Selfish, Thinking

  222 Copy quote
• 

  There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Hilarious, Laughter

  122 Copy quote
• 

  My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

  Jim Carrey

  Soul, Body, Limits

  "Jim Carrey's inspiring commencement speech" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. May 28, 2014.

  87 Copy quote

  Show source

• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Funny, Wall, Thinking

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

  89 Copy quote

  Show source

• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Finding Yourself

  "Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together". Comedy, 2003.

  14 Copy quote

  Show source

• It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.

  Stephen Fry

  People, Freedom Of Speech, Common

  "I saw hate in a graveyard - Stephen Fry" by David Smith, www.theguardian.com. June 5, 2005.

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Ducks, Bread, Opinion

  "Just For Laughs: On The Edge". 2002.

  48 Copy quote

  Show source

• Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

  Rob Delaney

  Funny, Running, Fear

  46 Copy quote

• Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...

  David Cross

  Bible, Kings, Writing

  135 Copy quote

• Look at what you could have won!

  Jim Bowen

  Winning, Games, Looks

  "Bullseye", www.imdb.com. (1981– ).

  66 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  You never know what's around the corner unless you peek. Hold someone's hand while you do it. You will feel less scared.

  Amy Poehler

  Inspirational, Fear, Hands

  Harvard University Class Day Commencement Address, delivered 26 May 2011

  30 Copy quote

  Show source

• The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.

  Jake LaMotta

  Funny, Fighting, Boxing

  "Jake LaMotta - a life in pictures" by Daffydd Bynon, www.theguardian.com. September 20, 2017.

  94 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

  Betty White

  Funny, Jealousy, Humorous

  92 Copy quote

• Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Humorous, Gun

  Twitter post from Aug 24, 2014

  33 Copy quote

  Show source

• When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me.

  Andy Griffith

  Respect, Fear, Gun

  "Fictional character: Andy Taylor". TV Series "The Andy Griffith Show", 1960-1968.

  167 Copy quote

  Show source

• Nerd. One whose unbridled passion for something defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people's judgment.

  Zachary Levi

  Passion, People, Nerd

  23 Copy quote

• Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

  Robin Williams

  Sad, Tired, Boys

  85 Copy quote

• Your dream has to be bigger than your fear.

  Steve Harvey

  Inspirational, Dream, Fear

  Twitter post from Dec 01, 2016

  34 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you put your foot in it, be sure it's your best foot.

  Mae West

  Inspirational, Success, Feet

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

  Karl Pilkington

  Funny, Food, Cat

  23 Copy quote