Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.
As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... Why should someone put a limit on how much fun I can have, how much I can accomplish?
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?
I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them.
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it.
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.
I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.
At 'Price Is Right,' people feel so safe there and loved. And if you can't jump around on 'Price is Right,' then you can't jump around anywhere, you know?
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
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