Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it.
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... Why should someone put a limit on how much fun I can have, how much I can accomplish?
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.
I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.'
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