Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
The best thing about Las Vegas is that no one pretends to be responsible for your behavior like they do in the rest of the country. There's no meddling self-righteous liberals or right-wing Christian demagogues telling you that you can't do something fun with your own time and money. If you can afford it, it's yours.
It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the way I came across.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?
I am happy that I ran the half-marathon, but to me, just running and saying that I finished a race isn't enough for me. I want to run the race as best as I can. Working out for pants size isn't enough. I need a goal or a race to get back on the treadmill every day.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator.
Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.
Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.
International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.
I looked at game show hosting as the bottom of the totem pole, one step away from infomercials. I never watched them myself. However, it's been a lot of fun.
When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.
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