Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
I work with a place in Santa Monica called Phase IV. My doctor recommended them to me when I started losing weight. They help people train for things like triathlons or biking and running races. They offer physical therapists, testing, lectures.
Sometimes I like [being famous], sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?
I am happy that I ran the half-marathon, but to me, just running and saying that I finished a race isn't enough for me. I want to run the race as best as I can. Working out for pants size isn't enough. I need a goal or a race to get back on the treadmill every day.
Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?
I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
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