Dave Attell Quotes

Quotes about:

• My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

  Dave Attell

  Dream, Doors, Two

  59 Copy quote

• Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

  Dave Attell

  Funny, School, Humor

  59 Copy quote

• You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

  Dave Attell

  Alarms, Tongue, Ass

  46 Copy quote

• Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Cuddling

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.

  37 Copy quote

• Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Growing Up, Dad

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  47 Copy quote

• Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Dave Attell", 1999), (1998– ).

  19 Copy quote

• You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

  Dave Attell

  Fun, Thinking, Good Times

  31 Copy quote

• Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

  Dave Attell

  Teeth, Crystals, Helping

  47 Copy quote

• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Rivers

  36 Copy quote

• I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

  Dave Attell

  Girlfriend, Sometimes, Said

  19 Copy quote

• Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

  Dave Attell

  Moving, Thinking, Differences

  21 Copy quote

• There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  30 Copy quote

• You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attel". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  29 Copy quote

• The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Running, Discovery

  37 Copy quote

• Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

  Dave Attell

  Cousin, Gay, Fireworks

  Studio album: "Skanks for the Memories", February 4, 2003.

  28 Copy quote

• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  31 Copy quote

• Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Relationship, Humor

  34 Copy quote

• You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Land

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  23 Copy quote

• I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

  Dave Attell

  Light, Trying, Sometimes

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  29 Copy quote

• It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

  Dave Attell

  Water, Trying, President

  18 Copy quote

• If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

  Dave Attell

  Book, Phones, Drunk

  10 Copy quote

• Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Girlfriend, Morning

  25 Copy quote

• I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

  Dave Attell

  Mother, Dad, Military

  9 Copy quote

• Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

  Dave Attell

  Garbage

  14 Copy quote

• I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

  Dave Attell

  Smoking, Camels, Three

  17 Copy quote

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