Dave Attell Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Winning

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Stand-up comedy series, (1998– ).

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• You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Mother, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Dave Attell", 1999), (1998– ).

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• If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

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• For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

  Dave Attell

  Tattoo, Long, People

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• I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Reading, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

  6 Copy quote

• I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

  Dave Attell

  Comedy, Comic, Plus

  "An Interview with Dave Attell". Interview with Ken P., www.ign.com. October 27, 2003.

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• I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

  Dave Attell

  Girl, Today, Skiing

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• Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Ejaculation

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album by Dave Attell, 2003.

  64 Copy quote

• I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

  Dave Attell

  Reality, Imagination, Life Is

  Interview with Keith Phipps, www.avclub.com. February 19, 2003.

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• I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

  Dave Attell

  Drinking, Doctors, Order

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• Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Laughter, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.

  7 Copy quote

• My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

  Dave Attell

  Jobs, Thinking, Comedy

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• Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Fantasy

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• I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

  Dave Attell

  Laughing, Mind, Crowds

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• I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Girlfriend, Discovery

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• I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

  Dave Attell

  Ears, Soundtracks, Music Is

  "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, www.avclub.com. January 2, 2008.

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• Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Stupid, Humor

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• I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

  Dave Attell

  People, Television, Shows

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• Being on the road is kind of lonely.

  Dave Attell

  Lonely, Kind

  "Comedians Dave Attell and Jim Norton remember when men were wild" by Jarrett Bellini, www.cnn.com. August 12, 2011.

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• Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

  Dave Attell

  What If, Drink, Alright

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". TV Series, 1999.

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• When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

  Dave Attell

  Native American, Kids, Pardon Me

  "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, music.avclub.com. February 01, 2008.

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• I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

  Dave Attell

  Running, Thinking, Sitting

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• Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

  Dave Attell

  Baby, Mean, Eight

  Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.

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• Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

  Dave Attell

  Joyce, Great Writers

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• I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

  Dave Attell

  Laughing, Sound, Watches

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