Brian Regan Quotes

Quotes about:

• I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

  Brian Regan

  Thinking, Ice Cream, Spoons

  58 Copy quote

• You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

  Brian Regan

  Dark, Doors, Long

  "Comedy Central Presents" ("Brian Regan"), September 06, 2000.

  62 Copy quote

• You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

  Brian Regan

  Fun, Book, Phones

  72 Copy quote

• I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”. What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? “Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan”.

  Brian Regan

  Art, Jobs, Hate

  65 Copy quote

• If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading?

  Brian Regan

  Smart, Reading, Book

  19 Copy quote

• If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

  Brian Regan

  Smart, Stupid, Science

  33 Copy quote

• I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

  Brian Regan

  Mom, Morning, Home

  39 Copy quote

• Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

  Brian Regan

  Sports, Team, Goal

  68 Copy quote

• If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

  Brian Regan

  Book, Community, Decision

  53 Copy quote

• They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

  Brian Regan

  Jobs, Men, Thinking

  57 Copy quote

• I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

  Brian Regan

  Jobs, Men, Vacation

  "Comedy Central Presents" ("Brian Regan"), September 06, 2000.

  40 Copy quote

• I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Mean, Thinking

  "Brian Regan Live". Audio CD, 1997.

  49 Copy quote

• Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!

  Brian Regan

  Believe, Writing, Years

  Twitter post from Jan 29, 2013

  11 Copy quote

• Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Sports, Balls

  38 Copy quote

• The big yellow one is the sun!

  Brian Regan

  Yellow, Sun, Bigs

  Twitter post from Aug 21, 2017

  45 Copy quote

• I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Mean, Knives

  "Brian Regan Live". Audio CD, 1997.

  15 Copy quote

• So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I'm reading the label to make sure everything's fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.

  Brian Regan

  Reading, Doctors, Two

  21 Copy quote

• You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.

  Brian Regan

  Nice, Airports, Phrases

  32 Copy quote

• I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.

  Brian Regan

  Yoga, Voice, Feet

  42 Copy quote

• I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

  Brian Regan

  Hate, People, Faces

  36 Copy quote

• A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

  Brian Regan

  Uncomfortable Situations, Laughing, Tragedy

  Source: edition.cnn.com

  48 Copy quote

• It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Stupid, Work Out

  27 Copy quote

• Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?

  Brian Regan

  People, Elevators, Shocked

  Twitter post from Aug 01, 2013

  33 Copy quote

• I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.

  Brian Regan

  Reading, Pages, Speed

  7 Copy quote

• I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Nice, Rooms

  31 Copy quote

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