My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
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