Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Losing, Impossible

  9 Copy quote

• A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  20 Copy quote

• A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

  Henny Youngman

  Alaska, Years, Rosary

  28 Copy quote

• I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

  Henny Youngman

  Cutting, Credit, Lasts

  9 Copy quote

• A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Blow

  33 Copy quote

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Anniversary, Marriage

  Forbes Magazine, Volume 166 (p. 156), 2000.

  75 Copy quote

• My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Years

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  6 Copy quote

• I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

  Henny Youngman

  Children, Two, Wonderful

  4 Copy quote

• I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Missing, Cooking

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Golf

  31 Copy quote

• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Family, Time

  20 Copy quote

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

• When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

  Henny Youngman

  Giving, Tables, Restaurants

  24 Copy quote

• Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Night

  4 Copy quote

• A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

  Henny Youngman

  Sorry, Golf, Men

  14 Copy quote

• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Way, Married

  53 Copy quote

• I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

  Henny Youngman

  Mother, Nice, Law

  16 Copy quote

• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Family, Time

  19 Copy quote

• The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Good Morning, Laughter

  97 Copy quote

• My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

  Henny Youngman

  Beautiful, Wife, Political

  13 Copy quote

• Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Watches, Television

  16 Copy quote

• I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Family, Brother

  7 Copy quote

• Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

  Henny Youngman

  House, Experts, Divorced

  12 Copy quote

• A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  14 Copy quote

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