Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Henny Youngman

  I Love You, Marriage, Funny Love

  26 Copy quote

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Wife

  89 Copy quote

• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Marriage, Women

  85 Copy quote

• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Doctors, Survival

  42 Copy quote

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

  30 Copy quote

• My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  23 Copy quote

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

  Henny Youngman

  Atheist, Holiday, Christmas Wishes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  52 Copy quote

• When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Sneezing

  15 Copy quote

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Family

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  52 Copy quote

• A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Next Day, House

  108 Copy quote

• Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

  Henny Youngman

  Years, Doing Nothing, Impossible

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  34 Copy quote

• A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

  Henny Youngman

  Beach, Grandma, Kids

  38 Copy quote

• In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

  Henny Youngman

  Football, School, Years

  10 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  85 Copy quote

• Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  40 Copy quote

• "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  13 Copy quote

• We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny Marriage, Done, Married

  12 Copy quote

• My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

  Henny Youngman

  Education, Teacher, Memories

  14 Copy quote

• A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Running, Love Life

  19 Copy quote

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Motivation

  53 Copy quote

• My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

  Henny Youngman

  Brother, Jobs, Giving Up

  34 Copy quote

• The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Clothes

  7 Copy quote

• There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  21 Copy quote

• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

  Henny Youngman

  Being Happy, Money, Silly

  84 Copy quote

• When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Winning

  42 Copy quote

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