Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 7

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I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Henny Youngman

Religion, Coward, Accounts

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I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Sexy, Confused

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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Horse, Humor

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I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Henny Youngman

Girl, Night, Lasts

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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

Believe, Alive, Reincarnation

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Couple, Humor

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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Keys

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My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Henny Youngman

Christmas, Waiting, Wonderful

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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

Henny Youngman

Airplane, Vegas, Gambling

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Comedy

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My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Horse, Humor

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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

Henny Youngman

Marrying

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

Taken, Men, Car

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Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Henny Youngman

Funny, Wine, Humor

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Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Order

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

Henny Youngman

Married

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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

Henny Youngman

Girl, Dancing, Ballet

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2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Henny Youngman

Funny, New York, Humor

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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

Henny Youngman

Giving Up, Dollars, Motels

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Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Henny Youngman

Funny, Sex, Humorous

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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Pet

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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Henny Youngman

Funny, Family, Brother

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Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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