Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

• A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• This man dresses like an unmade bed.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  16 Copy quote

• The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  10 Copy quote

• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

  Henny Youngman

  Marriage, Faces, Comedy

  10 Copy quote

• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  8 Copy quote

• I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

  Henny Youngman

  New Year, Giving Up, Years

  8 Copy quote

• My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  12 Copy quote

• I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Home, Humor

  14 Copy quote

• I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

  Henny Youngman

  Bills, Saws, Telephones

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  7 Copy quote

• I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Kings, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Graduation

  7 Copy quote

• Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

  Henny Youngman

  Teacher, Teaching, Assessment

  11 Copy quote

• I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

  Henny Youngman

  Horse, Past, Gambling

  7 Copy quote

• My wife has a black belt in shopping.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Shopping

  15 Copy quote

• In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  8 Copy quote

• Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Easter, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Book, Reading

  6 Copy quote

• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

  Henny Youngman

  Teacher, Teaching, Men

  10 Copy quote

• We aim to please... You aim too, please.

  Henny Youngman

  God, Stupidity, Aim

  15 Copy quote

• There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

  Henny Youngman

  Sex, Kids, Three

  7 Copy quote

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Cooking, Dresses

  10 Copy quote

• What is a home without children? Quiet.

  Henny Youngman

  Baby, Children, Silly

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  10 Copy quote

• My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  8 Copy quote

• I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

  Henny Youngman

  Religion, Coward, Accounts

  7 Copy quote

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