Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Zebras, Humor

  22 Copy quote

• I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

  Henny Youngman

  Long, Afternoon, Four

  8 Copy quote

• I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

  Henny Youngman

  Car, Flattery

  6 Copy quote

• My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  8 Copy quote

• Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Jigsaw Puzzles

  9 Copy quote

• Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

  Henny Youngman

  Mother, Law, Cuckoos

  10 Copy quote

• 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  5 Copy quote

• A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  27 Copy quote

• I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Luck, Lasts

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  11 Copy quote

• Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

  Henny Youngman

  Moving, Want, Way

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  7 Copy quote

• During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Girl, War

  7 Copy quote

• This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Women, Humor

  14 Copy quote

• Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  5 Copy quote

• Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

  Henny Youngman

  Children, Hate, Rain

  45 Copy quote

• His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Years

  8 Copy quote

• How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

  Henny Youngman

  Crazy, Guy, Pages

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Insult

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  9 Copy quote

• College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

  Henny Youngman

  College, Drink, Fountain

  8 Copy quote

• The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

  Henny Youngman

  Sports, Mean, Giving

  9 Copy quote

• Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Suffering

  8 Copy quote

• You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  13 Copy quote

• Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Halloween, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Hollywood

  10 Copy quote

• I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  7 Copy quote

• A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Doors, Want

  8 Copy quote

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