Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 5

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I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

Henny Youngman

Long, Afternoon, Four

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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Henny Youngman

Car, Flattery

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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Jigsaw Puzzles

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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

Henny Youngman

Mother, Law, Cuckoos

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2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

Wife, Luck, Lasts

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Henny Youngman

Moving, Want, Way

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Girl, War

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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Women, Humor

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His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Years

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Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

Henny Youngman

Children, Hate, Rain

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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Henny Youngman

Crazy, Guy, Pages

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

Henny Youngman

Sports, Mean, Giving

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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Henny Youngman

College, Drink, Fountain

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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Henny Youngman

Funny, Zebras, Humor

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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Insult

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Suffering

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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Nice, Humor

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Halloween, Humor

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Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Hollywood

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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

Henny Youngman

Men, Doors, Want

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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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