Henny Youngman Quotes About Wife

Quotes about: Wife

• A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

  Henny Youngman

  Husband, Fall, Home

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Wife

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Two

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Funny, Anniversary

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Cooking, Dresses

• A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

  Henny Youngman

  Nice, Men, Next Day

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

  Henny Youngman

  Weight Loss, Light, Wife

• My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

  Henny Youngman

  Beautiful, Wife, Political

• Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Awards, Wife

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

  Henny Youngman

  Sea, Wife, Funny Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• My wife has a black belt in shopping.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Shopping

• I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Home, Humor

• All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Sick

• 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Night

• A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Keys

• A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Yelling

• I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Years

• I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Italian

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