Henny Youngman Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Motivational, Witty

• When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Winning

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Motivation

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Health, Doctors

• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Good Morning, Laughter

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Wife

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Two

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

• A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Get Well, Humor

• My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Humor

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Funny, Anniversary

• A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Blow

• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Humor

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Marriage, Women

• Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, New York, Humor

• I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Humor

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Family

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Thinking, Men

• I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Golf

• The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Golf

• A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

• A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

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