I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
My life needs editing.
Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a
yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with
a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels
running the government.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
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