Humorous Quotes - Page 9

• Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

  Irving Kristol

  Witty, Freedom, Patriotic

  "Two Cheers for Capitalism". Book by Irving Kristol, May 11, 1978.

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• I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

  A. J. Liebling

  Witty, Powerful, Writing

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• I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

  Irvin S. Cobb

  Sarcastic, Witty, Powerful

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• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Funny, Sarcastic, Ironic

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

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• I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Military, Army

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.60, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Cute

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• Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

  T. S. Eliot

  Witty, Writing, Editing

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• Wit is educated insolence.

  Aristotle

  Inspirational, Witty, Definitions

  Aristotle (1909). “The Rhetoric of Aristotle: A Translation”

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• Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

  Napoleon Bonaparte

  Witty, Funny Inspirational, Business

  "The Military Quotation Book" by James Charlton, (p. 93), 2002.

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• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Gun

  "MIT Students Develop A Wearable That Detects Emotions In Speech" by Logan Strain, wearablezone.com. February 09, 2017.

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• Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

  H. G. Wells

  Jealousy, Witty, Hypocrisy

  The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman (1914) ch. 9, sect. 2

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• Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

  J. P. McEvoy

  Dream, People, Would Be

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• Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Hilarious, Food

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• The funniest things are the forbidden.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Novelists, Forbidden Things

  Mark Twain (1976). “Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Volume II: (1877-1883)”, p.304, Univ of California Press

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• The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.

  Patrik Baboumian

  Funny, Animal, Elephants

  FaceBook post by Patrik Baboumian from Apr 01, 2017

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• Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

  Rabindranath Tagore

  Death, Flames, Profound

  "Wrestling Archangels". Book by Bede Clarke, 2001.

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• God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.

  Igor Sikorsky

  Funny, Life, Flower

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• People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

  Paul Reiser

  Baby, Children, Parenting

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• Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

  Ira Glass

  Funny, Enough, Said

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• You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

  John Ciardi

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Children

  1962 In the Saturday Review, Fall issue.

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• I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Sassy

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

  Bertrand Russell

  Success, Work, Stress

  Conquest of Happiness (1930) ch. 5

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• All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

  Ernest Rutherford

  Witty, Science, Insightful

  Quoted in J. B. Birks, Rutherford at Manchester (1962)

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