Black Humor Quotes

• You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.

  Claude Chabrol

  Pigeons, Facts, Sometimes

  84 Copy quote

• After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

  William S. Burroughs

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  William S. Burroughs (1993). “The Adding Machine: Selected Essays”, p.125, Arcade Publishing

  187 Copy quote

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• Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Life, Intelligent

  50 Copy quote

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Beauty, Crazy

  1427 Copy quote

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  212 Copy quote

• The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.

  David Foster Wallace

  Inspirational, Truth, Freedom

  "Infinite Jest". Book by David Foster Wallace, February 1, 1996.

  35 Copy quote

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• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Abraham Lincoln (1992). “The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln”, Plume

  616 Copy quote

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• Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor.

  Charles Willeford

  Writing, Black, Telling The Truth

  49 Copy quote

• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  616 Copy quote

• Say what you want about the deaf.

  Jimmy Carr

  Nihilism, Want, Deaf

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.128, Penguin

  74 Copy quote

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• I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

  Mel Brooks

  Psychics, Vulgarity Is, Bullshit

  "Mel Brooks Honored With AFI Life Achievement Award" by Gregg Kilday, www.hollywoodreporter.com. June 7, 2013.

  94 Copy quote

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• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  1028 Copy quote
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  I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

  Johnny Carson

  Death, Sex, Drinking

  80 Copy quote
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  The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

  "Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

  75 Copy quote

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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2299 Copy quote

• I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

  Hunter S. Thompson

  Weed, Hate, Drinking

  FaceBook post by Hunter S. Thompson from Jul 15, 2014

  77 Copy quote

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• Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

  Demetri Martin

  Jealous, Laughing, Bird

  Twitter post from Jul 28, 2013

  6 Copy quote

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  If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

  Tallulah Bankhead

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Tallulah: My Autobiography". Book by Tallulah Bankhead, 1952.

  78 Copy quote

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• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

  Anton Chekhov

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  Ivanov I

  163 Copy quote

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• Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Badass, Anger

  H. L. Mencken, Marion Elizabeth Rodgers (2010). “H.L. Mencken: Prejudices: First, Second, and Third Series”, Hubsta Ltd

  112 Copy quote

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• You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve.

  Al Swearengen

  Character, Pimp, Criminals

  "Fictional character: Al Swearengen". "Deadwood" TV series, Season 1, Episode 10: "Mister Wu", May 23, 2004.

  90 Copy quote

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• Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.

  Mike Tyson

  Money, Failure, Boxing

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  24 Copy quote

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  You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

  George Burns

  Funny, Hilarious, Retirement

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  150 Copy quote

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• No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Death, Real

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.8, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  10 Copy quote

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• It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Life And Love, Book, Athlete

  Abraham Lincoln (1999). “The Wit & Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln: A Treasury of Quotations, Anecdotes, and Observations”, Gramercy

  53 Copy quote

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