You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Say what you want about the deaf.
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve.
Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
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