Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
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