I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
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