Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Baby, Laughing

  6 Copy quote

• Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

  Phyllis Diller

  Running, Children, Women

  61 Copy quote

• Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Coffee

  9 Copy quote

• I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, House, Cures

  6 Copy quote

• Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Kids, Window Panes, Weather

  6 Copy quote

• My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

  Phyllis Diller

  Elbows, Bouquets, Faces

  5 Copy quote

• Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Morning, Fighting

  4 Copy quote

• Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Lying, House

  7 Copy quote

• They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

  Phyllis Diller

  Fire, Mud, Californians

  "Phyllis Diller's File Of 53,000 Jokes". "Weekend Edition Saturday" with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. March 11, 2017.

  9 Copy quote

• I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  War, Fighting, Parent

  8 Copy quote

• Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

  Phyllis Diller

  Night, Hours, Our Wedding

  4 Copy quote

• When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Beautiful, Sloth

  8 Copy quote

• Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Wedding, Dog

  "Phyllis Diller Started in San Francisco" by Corey Andrew, www.nbcbayarea.com. August 22, 2012.

  11 Copy quote

• Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Mean, Men

  8 Copy quote

• Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Ideas, Medieval, Facets

  4 Copy quote

• I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

  Phyllis Diller

  Grandchildren, Pills, Birth Control

  4 Copy quote

• I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

  Phyllis Diller

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.17, Penguin

  6 Copy quote

• Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Goldfish, Too Much

  6 Copy quote

• You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Looks, Want

  5 Copy quote

• I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Baby, Morning

  7 Copy quote

• Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Air, Car

  5 Copy quote

• Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

  Phyllis Diller

  Lakes, Placid, Absolutely Nothing

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  4 Copy quote

• Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Coffee, Giving

  8 Copy quote

• A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Running, Dog, Mean

  6 Copy quote

• One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Children, Experts

  4 Copy quote

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