Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Baby, Leaving

  15 Copy quote

• I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

  Phyllis Diller

  Hate, Smart, Clerks

  9 Copy quote

• Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Hair, Use

  4 Copy quote

• My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

  Phyllis Diller

  Anger, Frustration, Kitchen

  69 Copy quote

• There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Cupcakes, Rooms

  20 Copy quote

• The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Baby, Kids

  8 Copy quote

• Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mean, Tennis, Love Means

  11 Copy quote

• When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Beach, Humor

  13 Copy quote

• You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

  Phyllis Diller

  Offending, About Yourself

  5 Copy quote

• [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

  Phyllis Diller

  Two, Age, Body

  10 Copy quote

• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Birthday, Age

  10 Copy quote

• By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Pregnancy, Common

  18 Copy quote

• When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Beauty, Use, Emergencies

  9 Copy quote

• Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

  Phyllis Diller

  Kissing, Hug, Ends

  11 Copy quote

• Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Father, Divorce

  18 Copy quote

• This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Balls, Bowling

  8 Copy quote

• Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Looks, Ruins, Moonlight

  11 Copy quote

• My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

  Phyllis Diller

  Eight, Years, Smoking

  9 Copy quote

• The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.194, Penguin

  5 Copy quote

• Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, People, Parlor

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.53, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

  Phyllis Diller

  Night, House, Wigs

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Juniors, Size

  4 Copy quote

• When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

  Phyllis Diller

  Beautiful, Girl, Friday

  12 Copy quote

• Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Get Well, Sloth

  8 Copy quote

• It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Beauty, Skins

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  23 Copy quote

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