Phyllis Diller Quotes About Husband

Quotes about: Husband

• Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Divorced, Appendix

• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

• I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Couple, Husband

• My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Eye, Useless

• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

• My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

  Phyllis Diller

  Suicide, Husband, Kids

• Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Wind

• Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Medicine

• Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Coffee

• My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Husband, Careers

• If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Giving, Want

• Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Coffee, Giving

• I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Husband, Son

• Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Goldfish, Too Much

• My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Husband, Law

• Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Wife, Remodeling

• I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband

• I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, House, Cures

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