Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

  48 Copy quote

• I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Husband, Son

  8 Copy quote

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Nudity, Old People

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.256, Penguin

  13 Copy quote

• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

  51 Copy quote

• You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Humor, Humility

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.12, Penguin

  15 Copy quote

• Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sea, Bedroom, Happenings

  13 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Mother, Pain

  19 Copy quote

• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  43 Copy quote

• If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Giving, Want

  11 Copy quote

• My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Husband, Careers

  12 Copy quote

• To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

  Phyllis Diller

  Blow, Apples, Torches

  51 Copy quote

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

  92 Copy quote

• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

  68 Copy quote

• I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Blouses

  "Phyllis Diller, Sassy Comedian, Dies at 95" by Richard Severo, Peter Keepnews, www.nytimes.com. August 20, 2012.

  72 Copy quote

• ... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Writing, Dust

  15 Copy quote

• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  54 Copy quote

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Children, Silly

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  66 Copy quote

• A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Night, Lasts

  16 Copy quote

• I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

  Phyllis Diller

  Giving Up, Years, I Will Never Give Up

  22 Copy quote

• My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

  Phyllis Diller

  Suicide, Husband, Kids

  12 Copy quote

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mom, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.81, Penguin

  15 Copy quote

• Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Men, Thinking

  4 Copy quote
• 

  My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

  Phyllis Diller

  Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids

  87 Copy quote

• I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

  Phyllis Diller

  Faces, Hats, Screws

  6 Copy quote

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