You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
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