Hilarious Quotes - Page 5

• I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Smart

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• There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Talking, Two

  "Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist".

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• A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

  Gloria Steinem

  Heartbreak, Funny Love, Powerful

  Attributed

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• I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Dark

  27 Copy quote
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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

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• The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

  Mark Russell

  Inspirational, Funny Life, Humorous

  "Frequent Flyer Humor and One-Upmanship". Book by George W. Stewart, Dog Ear Publishing, p. 12, 2011.

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  If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Mothers Day, Mom

  247 Copy quote

• The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

  Dwight Morrow

  Funny, Witty, Work

  Letter to his son, in Harold Nicolson Dwight Morrow (1935) ch. 3

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• A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

  Helen Rowland

  Inspirational, Funny, Goodbye

  93 Copy quote

• If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

  Yogi Berra

  Funny, Sports, Witty

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• Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

  James Thurber

  Funny, Witty, Wrong Number

  Cartoon caption, New Yorker, 5 June 1937

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• Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

  Tina Fey

  Hard Work, Delusion, Percent

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• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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  If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

  Marilyn Monroe

  Love, Funny, Life

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• No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

  Karl Kraus

  Ideas, Literature, Ability

  "Unspeakable but readable" by Ian Mayes, www.theguardian.com. August 27. 2004.

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• English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

  Matt Groening

  Needs, England, Funny Simpsons

  "The Simpsons: The Way We Was". TV Series, www.imdb.com. January 31, 1991.

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• People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  56 Copy quote

• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Funny, Life, Laughter

  86 Copy quote

• It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Work, Humorous

  Ronald Reagan (2004). “Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

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• All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

  Will Rogers

  Ignorance, Paper, Alibis

  Will Rogers (1978). “Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams: The Coolidge years, 1926-1929”, Will Rogers Heritage Trust

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• The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

  Quentin Crisp

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

  Dan Chaon

  Peace, Tired, Humor

  Dan Chaon (2012). “Stay Awake: Stories”, p.59, Ballantine Books

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• We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

  Bill Vaughan

  Gratitude, Animal, Pet

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• All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

  Tennessee Williams

  Funny, Girl, Women

  Tennessee Williams (1945). “The Glass Menagerie”, p.52, New Directions Publishing

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• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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