I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.
There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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