Les Dawson Quotes

Quotes about:

• I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

  Les Dawson

  Stars, Moon, Night

  45 Copy quote

• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Mother, Humorous

  20 Copy quote

• My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Sexy, Sex Relationships

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  52 Copy quote

• The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Rain, Home

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Wish

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

  19 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

  Les Dawson

  Christmas, Mother, Running

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  17 Copy quote

• I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

  Les Dawson

  Witty, Wind, Doctors

  54 Copy quote

• I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sex Maniac, Law

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  21 Copy quote

• Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

  Les Dawson

  Doors, Years, Wife

  14 Copy quote

• There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

  Les Dawson

  Zero, Numbers, Sacred

  14 Copy quote

• I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

  Les Dawson

  Blood, Giving, Wife

  21 Copy quote

• I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

  Les Dawson

  Sleep, Doctors, Wife

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  19 Copy quote

• The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sea, Wife

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.14, Michael O'Mara Books

  11 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Hands, Law

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

  Les Dawson

  Moon, Space, Heaven

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.19, Michael O'Mara Books

  51 Copy quote

• Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Angel, Beer

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  29 Copy quote

• I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Moving, Law

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  13 Copy quote

• My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

  Les Dawson

  Salt, Dictionary, Lad

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.22, Michael O'Mara Books

  18 Copy quote

• I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Breathing

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

  13 Copy quote

• I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

  Les Dawson

  Kids, Wife, Allowing

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

• A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

  Les Dawson

  Growing Up, Squares, Wind

  18 Copy quote

• I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

  Les Dawson

  Teacher, School, Nerves

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Travel, Prayer

  4 Copy quote

• I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Funeral

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  15 Copy quote

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