Les Dawson Quotes

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• I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

  Les Dawson

  Stars, Moon, Night

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• My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Sexy, Sex Relationships

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  46 Copy quote

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• The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Rain, Home

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  13 Copy quote

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• There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

  Les Dawson

  Zero, Numbers, Sacred

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• Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Angel, Beer

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Mother, Humorous

  17 Copy quote

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• I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

  Les Dawson

  Sleep, Doctors, Wife

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

  Les Dawson

  Witty, Wind, Doctors

  47 Copy quote

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• My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Wish

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

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• Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

  Les Dawson

  Doors, Years, Wife

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• I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sex Maniac, Law

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

  Les Dawson

  Blood, Giving, Wife

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• My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

  Les Dawson

  Christmas, Mother, Running

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Sea, Wife

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.14, Michael O'Mara Books

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• My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

  Les Dawson

  Salt, Dictionary, Lad

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.22, Michael O'Mara Books

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• In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

  Les Dawson

  Moon, Space, Heaven

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.19, Michael O'Mara Books

  49 Copy quote

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• I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

  Les Dawson

  Long, Mind, Self Improvement

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Law, Breathing

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.12, Michael O'Mara Books

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• A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

  Les Dawson

  Growing Up, Squares, Wind

  17 Copy quote

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• I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

  Les Dawson

  Latin, Ideas, Tunes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

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• I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Moving, Law

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Travel, Prayer

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• The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

  Les Dawson

  Rising, Way, Lasts

  Les Dawson (2012). “Les Dawson's Joke Book”, p.22, Michael O'Mara Books

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• My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

  Les Dawson

  Mother, Hands, Law

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

  Les Dawson

  Tunnels, Funny Things, Wife

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